Well, it's the Monday before my surgery. Two more full days and a wake-up and it'll be go-time. I AM FREAKING OUT. I'm trying to keep it together and stay calm, but I am a giant ball of nerves. I keep getting these waves of panic and nervousness. I do not love this part. I think maybe if I'd had surgery of any kind before (not counting having my daughter, where all plans went straight out the window because of all sorts of unforeseen circumstances), I might be able to settle down a little bit. But I basically have no idea what I'm in for. The control freak and the wimp in me simultaneously hate that. Actually, I think that experience is what has me on edge. I think I just remember so much trauma and so much of it not going to plan when she was born, that I assume that's how this will be. I know though, this surgery is controlled. It's on purpose. It's not bringing a life into this world, and there's not really any way I can bleed out or die from this.
It's hard to put a finger on what exactly I'm nervous about. I'm freaking out about the anesthesia. I always thought it was something I wanted to do, so that I could know what it feels like to just go to sleep, versus it taking hours to get my brain to unwind. I'm nervous about a tube going down my throat. I'm nervous about not waking up. I'm really extra nervous about that. Like, a lot. I'm nervous about the incision. Last week I had a dream that I was sleeping on my stomach (like I normally do) and that I smashed my implants and ruptured my incision. I woke up in a near-hysterical panic, thinking I had torn the incision and that my actual implants were falling out. I was almost crying. It took me a few minutes to wake up and realize that I was fine, that everything was fine, and that I didn't even have the implants yet. I was checking myself making sure there were no gaping holes in my chest or blood all over the sheets. Completely freaked me out.
Tonight after gymnastics with the kid, I'll drop my prescriptions off at the pharmacy. Tomorrow at lunch I'll go to walmart and stock up on extra pillows (I read one of those neck ones are nice when you have to sleep on your back propped up for so long, because they help your head not flop around.), some of those soft ice packs, maybe a front close sports bra or two, and a couple of mens huge button-down shirts. I'll work the rest of this week in the evenings to make sure the house is clean. I'll put clean sheets on my bed Thursday morning before we leave to go to the surgery center. I'll grocery shop probably tomorrow night and make sure there's plenty of food for everyone while I spend a couple of days sound asleep.
My goal is to be off the medicine that makes my head feel fuzzy as quickly as possible. I hate not being in control of myself and I hate not feeling like I have a clear head. I don't really drink and I don't like to feel out of whack like that. I have a kid. I have responsibilities. I don't want to be out of it for too long. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning, and then it's time to suck it up. Of course, I say that now - we'll see how it really goes.
I'll update again at least one more time this week to let you all know what's going on. I'm going to try to update the day of surgery - probably that night, but we'll see. I don't know how I'll be feeling, so I'm not sure how I'll be able to function.
Until next time...
H
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